LOVE LINES-Reason for failure in some marriages

Friday, December 28, 2007
So many people say marriage is like going to a restaurant and a bar; you order what you desire, after you see what the other person is getting and you wish you’d order that or better than that! Choose your life partner carefully, because there is no room for rethinking, for in marriage once you make a choice, so shall it be. Many times I have listened to preachers, I have never heard anyone of them preaching or praying for a marriage failure for any of their congregations or members.

All we have heard are how good marriage is, how to build a good home, reason for marriage and so on. But, looking around the society I have been seeing many failed marriages. With careful attention many things have been the cause of any failed marriage; sometime we take it into consideration and sometimes we do not. Though some will say 'mine would not be like that.' We all pray for a successful marriage, but not thinking of how to make it a success.

You may not be able to determine exactly when and how you are going to meet your partner, but the question is with whom you associate with? People of questionable character? People with bad reputation? Better still, men and women of good virtue?

When wedding becomes an exorbitant marriage:

Marrying an ungodly person or someone that is not committed to the same religion you believe in could be linked to buying a very expensive gadget, without any guarantees that you are not protected against any risk or malfunctions that may and will most likely occur. A person like that is also comparable to a piece of very valuable electronic equipment without a fuse, or a voltage stabiliser that finds itself at the mercy of every fluctuation of power supply.

As expensive gadgets need a circuit breaker or stabiliser to check the effects of abnormal current; so too does marriage need wisdom, respect and love for the effects of good marriage. This is the same with the life of man. Marriage is an expensive alliance, we need love, initiative, acceptance, tolerance and so on to check the abnormal emotions, desires, and tribulations that may come in our daily living.

Motive for marriage

Every choice we make in our life has an underlying motive, a need or desire that activates the will and stimulates us into action. The choice of a wife and husband is of no difference; some examples of such motives include:

• a widower who just needs a mother for his children;

• a widow that need a father for her children and a protector;

• a refugee or immigrant who needs to legalise his or her status;

• an orphan who needs the security or a shelter;

• a director, community leader, clergyman/oustaz, (all these needs a wife to go out with).

The important step for anyone  choosing a partner is to check his/her heart for motives, and to know the other person well enough to determine his or her real motives for wanting marriage.

Reasons for making wrong choices

Lust of the flesh: lust of the flesh or a craving for sexual gratification, which is known as a strong, excessive desire. We need to abstain from fleshy lusts, which was against the soul. Instead of using courtship to build and nurture friendship. Commitment and enduring qualities like Godly character, virtue, integrity, and compatibility, some couples indulge in premarital sex and sexual pleasures, forgetting that casual sex will result in a casual relationship.

That is tasting the flesh of each others some time bring fast end to intense relationship; mostly a relationship that start with intense circumstances,

Strong emotions will not produce strong commitment, just as compromise cannot produce total dedication in marriage. Sexual sin is degradation, violation, disrespect, unfulfilment and corrosion of our most valuable natural gifts from Allah
Sex only cheapens a relationship and breed’s suspicion, disappointment, sorrow, stress, emptiness and many other destructive emotions. And it will thereof lead to failure or unsuccessful marriages. The question people have always asked one is: "How is it possible not to have premarital sex during courtship?" I do answer that the key is to respect and love each other, understand and get use to each other and for that you find everything under control.  Lovelines do not turn a church/mosque preacher, but reality as the situation (failure marriages) is we need to made it clear that we need to know ourselves before jump into anything and Almighty Creator against premarital sex.

Human determination and achievement will take you only so far, the mistake we all make is to handle most problems in life on our own without involving our partner.

Lust of the eyes: We should know eyes are the best lens and photographer so far. It is a greedy login of the mind when a young man marries a lady without really caring for her just because she is from a rich and well to do family, and can thereby assure herself of a comfortable life. She is succumbing to the lust of the eyes. Many people have married others because they had means (often financial or material) that would help them escape their own adverse circumstances. This is lust.

Marriages based on this quickly run into troubled waters. What happens if the circumstances change; or the other person discovers your true motive? When you marry someone just to use him or her as a ticket to gain access to certain circles, then you are lusting. Which means it is not a love, but greediness and personal interests:

However, don’t let this factor cause you to become paranoid. The important thing is to check your heart for your own motives, and to know the other person well enough to understand his or her real motives for wanting to marry you (as mentioned above).

As a single person in search of the right man or woman, it is important to make the right decisions. The choice of a person to marry must be right. One should not marry someone because of what he has, who he/she is in society, or what he can do for you.

The pride and influence of life: This is an assurance in one’s own resources or in the stability of earthly thing. It is destructive insecurity that makes people want to assert themselves over others. Therefore, they are never able to truly love and respect another person. Yet, respect is the very foundation of a successful marriage. There has to be a great deal of respect for each other in any successful relationship. Respect involves caring about the other person’s best interest and not posing only for personal gain. Yet people, because of who they are, marry certain people or into certain circles, because they believe those people are the one who are good enough for them.

They have a false and inflated idea of their own importance. They want someone who has attributes that will enhance what they have. They are not interested in giving or contributing to another person’s life.  A man may therefore marry, not because he loves and respects a woman, but because he wants a wife who will satisfy his sexual desires legally; cook his food, wash his cloths; take care of his children, possibly help him to secure his financial position by helping him to get some business connections he needs and be a beauty queen he can parade among his friends.

A woman may marry to: Satisfy her sexual desires legally; have financial security; provide for her parents and siblings financially; improve herself educationally; provide material needs such as clothes, jewellery and cars, amongst even vacations to foreign countries. The examples reflect selfish motives and desires, not love.

Pressure: pressure manifests in different ways. It could be parental or family pressure. Your parents or the extended family wants you to marry Mr K and Miss Q for certain reason. There is also peer pressure – all your friends are getting married and you are feeling left out, because all their conversations now centre around marriage – related issues and you feel unqualified to contribute since you are not married. This type of pressure affects both men and women.

Age: is another important factor that creates pressure. As people get older, they become more frantic and desperate about marriage and more prone to make bad decisions. Everyone says you are getting older; and your parents may want grandchildren.

If you allow it, this will put pressure on you. Pressure can also be generated from within yourself, You feel time is running out; if you are a woman, your biological clock is ticking away fast (you are anxious to have children) all your younger siblings are married and this makes you feel conspicuous. You may feel the pressure to escape,

However, this is New Year think well and follows your mind.

Author: by Yunud S. Saliu