LOVE LINES: Essential parts of marriage -16 F’s for a happy marriage

In our last two editions of the popular Lovelines, we discussed the ‘…search of life partner,’ and then ‘love and marriage…’ To balance the equation, it is important that we take a step or two further to explore the essentials of marriage. If you are still either a bachelor or spinster, it is close to obligation that you know these, as probably might be planning to get married soon. This period (the Holy Month of Ramadan) could be perfect time for us to sit and talk about love in an Islamic point of view, as preferred by the Almighty Allah.

Marriage is a gift; a special bond between a man and a woman (husband and wife).  Much has been written about how we should behave towards our spouses after marriage, but no teaching is more appropriate than the teachings of the Qur’an and the Sunnah. A spouse has been described as "a partner, companion and best friend." The closeness between spouses is unlike any other relationship.

So let’s start with faith. The most important thing about a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple. It is when a marriage lacks this faith that distrust prevails, and one is bound to say, "I don’t trust my wife, or ‘I don’t trust my husband.’

Since Islam is a complete way of life, not just a religion confined to periodical worshiping, faithfulness becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. That frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values that are not possible in interfaith marriages. Therefore, note that faith plays a crucial role in the development of a loving relationship.

According to Prophet Muhammad (pbh), when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for the act, and Allah increases the bond of love between them. This means that if we love each other for the sake of Allah, we surely increase our faith.

One of the good attributes of a happy marriage is that the spouses should be able to forget and forgive; they shouldn’t hold grudges or act judgementally towards each other. It is expected that sometimes when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt them. We should not lay blame but to move past it. Do we know how this can happen? Only if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness; so do not be stingy in forgiveness.

One of the most useful tools to have in managing a healthy lifestyle is forbearance. Being patient and forbearing will put us in proactive frame of mind. This will bring one closer to Allah. So many couples make themselves unnecessarily miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little. One thing, we shouldn’t allow our spouses to be our subjects. They have their own personalities, likes and dislikes.

Other essential attribute of marriage is friendship. This part has three components, according to some marriage counsellors. First and foremost, develop a friendship with your spouses, because a relationship that is based on friendship is more likely to withstand outside pressures (from friends, relations and others). Accept, trust, honour and care for your friend, in spite of your differences. These are the aspect of friendship we should bring to our marriages.

The second part of friendship is to have good relations with the in-laws. This is an aspect that causes most relationships to crumble. When couples compete as to whose parents are more important, it becomes a constant source of grief.

Fair, usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to be unfair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behaviour and our statements. To use words such as "never" and "always" when describing the behaviour of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.

Finance – money is one of the most common points of contention in marriages. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.

Feelings, the Prophet of Allah, Muhammad, stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others; i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives us first. Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings; they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean.

Freedom; religiously, marriage is a partnership and not a source of bondage or slavery. To consider the wife as one's property is alien to the religion of Islam; especially so considering the Islamic concept of husband and wife.

Flirtation: A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanour in their marriages by adopting special pet names for each other and secret communication styles…etc.

You have to be frank. A misunderstanding happens when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.

Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that the first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His religion.

To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded abundantly. It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.

So many times couples fail to work on developing fond for each other by failing to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. And last but not the least is future. Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.